It wasn’t much before nine that I stood at her door. I knew which room was hers; I had seen her in the window a few times. I looked behind me, back to my car, I thought for a second, run, run while you can. Instead I decided against my previous thoughts and moved my finger to the doorbell. I took in a deep breath and began my way to it, as I was about to push it the door on the inside swung open, “Hello Sean, how can I help you?” My breath was gone, it was her mother. “Um, is Sara there?” I managed to squeak out. Her mother reached for the screen door and began to push it open, I put it past myself and she welcomed me in, “yeah she’s upstairs in her room. Go ahead up.” I thanked her mother and as I walked up the stairs I was concerned as to what my first words would be.
I knocked gently but audibly on the door, to no avail. I pushed it open slightly, all of an inch, to hear the shower going and the bathroom door mostly shut. I panicked, I walked out, closed the door and began to go down the stairs. I saw her mother in the kitchen and instead walked back up the stairs I had just descended. What would her mother think? Let alone do if I came back down?
I went back to the door and opened it; I entered the room, closing the door gently. I’m not sure why I tip-toed, but I did. I made my way over, all of four feet, to her bathroom door. I could hear her sweet voice carry through the door as she sang a song, one of her favorites, that theme song you know from Wizard of Oz. Timidly I spoke, “Sara?” I hear water fall to the shower basin and she spoke, “yeah?” Her voice was so pretty. It was lyrical, almost always happy and she spoke with a certain level of coolness. She is a singer in my mind, I can’t sing worth a shit, but she could. I always heard her singing, inadvertently, but whenever anyone came around she would pause and after they left she would begin on the same note.
I didn’t speak for a second, I was thinking about something, what it was I don’t even remember. Sara spoke again, “Sean, is that you?” I was amazed she recognized me through all that water falling and the way my voice had suddenly pitched itself. I lowered my voice and spoke, "yeah, it’s me, now that I think of it I really don’t need to interrupt you.” I heard her turn the water off, “I’ll be done in a second, it’s no big deal um,” she paused as she pondered what to do with me but the answer soon followed, “go ahead and turn the stereo on. The remote for it is velcroed by my nightstand.” I heard the water go back on as I walked over to the night stand. I went back to the cd player and looked at her selection, she had good taste, very close to mine in fact. I was taking a Dave Mathews cd out of its case when I took a whiff in and smelled a sweet scent from the bathroom. Curious, and a bit more at ease, I took a deep sniff. I recognized the smell and decided to ask, “hey, that smells good, what is that?” I heard the shower curtains tusstle a bit, “it’s my body wash, you like?” I took another whiff in, “yeah I just realized what it smells like.” The curtains stopped moving, “and what is that?” Once more I took a breath, “it smells like you do, and that makes sense since it’s body wash.” The conversation ended there simply because there was no where else for it to go. I stopped talking and she stopped talking, it wasn’t awkward, it just ended. I went over to her bed and got on, half sitting up, and half laying down.
The water stopped; I froze. I didn’t know what to do, should I run, no she knew I was here. Should I hide, no where would I hide? The door handle began to turn. She walked out with a white robe on, one of her shoulders peeking out and a yellow towel around her head. Towels around the head, I don’t know why but that cracks me up. She walked over to her dresser and grabbed something, I wasn’t sure what it was yet. She moved over to her bed, where I sat, and pushed my feet a bit. She sat where my feet had rested, almost Indian style. It was amazing she had managed to cover herself up in such an odd position. She looked me straight in the eye, I avoided as much as possible. “What’s wrong?” she finally asked. I looked down at my hands, for a second there I was lost. I had forgotten why I had come. My brain finally kicked in, the plan, remember the plan! “Well I was falling behind in Spanish last year and teach suggested that I get a tutor.” Sara looked a little cockeyed at me and then asked back as she scratched her foot, “and this has what to do with me?” It was obvious she knew, I mean come on. She had a smile on after she said it, all she wanted was for me to say I needed help. I began, “Sara, you know I’m not very good at languages, I can’t get myself straight in English and they expect me to do it in Spanish? What I’m really saying is that I’d like some help with it this year, you know just a little extra time.” She smiled a very sweet smile.
I looked at her smile, she was almost blushing. Her smiles were so pretty whether they were open mouthed or not. She had a way of being radiant. I knew she bore no makeup now and she rarely did, her skin was clear and that smile. Her face always seemed to smile at me.
“Sean? I’d be happy to help you, in fact if you really want to get anything done I think we need to start this summer, before school starts.” I was taken back, she wants to start early? Well that just about rules out hating me. I hadn’t planned to be doing things during the summer, this would give us extra time together though. I logically thought it over, about a week, oh well it was enough. I must have spaced out thinking about that because it wasn’t long before she began to speak again, “Sean? Are you ok? Is this whole thing ok with you?” I came back in time to answer making my decision about what I would do. “Yeah that sounds great, plus it would save my grades in the beginning. But I don’t want to interfere with any of your summer plans.” She laughed at me and got up from the bed, she walked over to her window which the sun was now facing in and once again began to speak, “Sean, any friend isn’t an interference. I’ll enjoy working with you, I really will.”
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It had been three days since we had talked, I figured it was sufficient time and that I needed to make some contact. In fact I needed to hear her voice, I had survived the first half of the summer simply because we never said goodbye, I had gotten over it I guess. But now that I had heard it again, I needed it. It was soothing, calm, and sweet. I picked up the phone, partially hoping she wasn’t there. I dialed the number I had been turning over in my head, “hello?” the phone answered. It was her, I went to hang up the phone but something stopped me, “hey Sara, it’s me, Sean, I was thinking that I need a head start on that Spanish stuff.” I heard her reach for the volume on the radio and turn it down, “yeah that’s fine, when do you want to do it?” she seemed to be eating something, but she hid it to be polite. I pretended to be flipping through some pages, “well I have today at lunch open, what say we head downtown?” I could hear her get up and walk somewhere, “yeah that should be fine, where do you want to meet?” she finally swallowed, very descretely. I paused, genius struck me, “how about I pick you up?” She didn’t even pause, she acted as if it was no big thing, “yeah that’ll be fine, show up whenever you can.” “That’ll be great, see you then,” the phone conversation ended there. I had never really talked to her on the phone, but the few times I had called her for help she ended things very cordially, I thought perhaps it was not a good day.
I gathered everything I had saved from spanish, thinking maybe we could start from the beginning. I was so nervous about what would happen next that I almost locked my keys in my car as I got out at her doorway for the second time this week. I made sure to wipe my palms of their sweat just in case, could I do this? I made my way up to the front door, this time I didn’t wait, I just went for it, I pushed the doorbell. She opened the door, smiled, turned around and bent over. I almost fainted, she picked up a shoulder bag and put it around her neck. I held the screen door open for her as she locked the front door and began to walk past me. Only before stopping and waiting to see if I was coming. I began to speak, knowing that I had to make conversation, “I didn’t know what materials to bring, so I brought everything I could find.” I sat in my car door talking as she placed her things inside. She placed the bag at her feet and pulled out some chapstick, which she applied liberally and almost too sexily for me. She talked for the first time since I picked her up, “it’s no big deal, I brought the things I think we’ll need.” Her voice quavered, I thought her smile had been different when I opened her front door, but now I realized what it was, she had been crying. I didn’t want to bring it up because I know what kind of person she is. We began to drive with little conversation between.
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I pulled into a space downtown. She got her stuff as I held her door open, it always seems to close. The driver’s door locks open, but the passenger side door closes very easily. I told her that I thought we should go to the pizza place across the street and she obliged, as if she would say no. As I walked in front of her I pondered opening the door and holding it for her, I did this. Then I wondered if I should take her seat out for her, I decided against that one. While being a knight in shining armor is all good it wasn’t really me at the moment. She picked up the menu and pulled it up almost covering her face, “I can’t hide it can I? I see the way you look at me, you know…” her voice trailed off and even though I had no clue what she was talking about I continued as if I did. I was about to speak but I thought, oh no, she knows I like her, ‘the way I look at her’? oh great. I held her hand, she looked to be in utter desperation. This wasn’t Sara, this was me if anything, the one with all the problems, not little angelic Sara! She glanced at me holding her hand, I really didn’t think before doing it, should I have? What have I done now? A single tear fell down her cheek, she was really crying, glowing sweet Sara ever so perfect, is sad.
I had to speak up, “Sara, what’s wrong?” I almost said it too forcefully but it was too late to fix, I could tell she wanted to just curl up in a ball but as she took a breath in then tried to stop and I saw a second tear fall I knew she couldn’t stop. I got out of my side of the booth and went to hers, the books were in my way, I tossed them aside and I looked her in the eyes, holding her in my arms would be too odd, or would it? It didn’t matter but I didn’t right then, I just looked at her. I was really worried, what could possibly be wrong, she started, “Sean, you know how you have conversations with people and they don’t really matter? But then there are those where you are totally serious and just say what you want?“ I nodded to respond, “well I was with David the other day and we, well I…I took him to a spot of mine that I go to and we were sharing something really special. I mean every word I said had meaning,“ I was confused, if all was so great then why was she sad? I put my arm around her to comfort her and she fell into my chest, “I don’t know if I should say this,” she stopped to comment on her own posture, "god Sara straighten up, “ she sat up, and wiped her tears. I gave her a guilty eye and spoke, “be what you feel,” she sighed and spoke again, one tear this time, “well we were sitting up there, stars up above us and the world below it was so great, and I mean I’ve never had a crush on David,” hold on, my thoughts turned to relationship. Why am I talking about relationships with her? Wait, I returned to coherent thought, she likes David? Oh my this is odd. Things ran through my head at millions of miles per second but slowed when she opened her mouth and it quivered as she spoke. “We were looking up and he propped himself up on one elbow, I kept looking up, and he leaned over me and kissed me a sweet passionate but short kiss.” She averted her eyes almost in shame, “I was happy to finally think he saw me the same way maybe, everything from there on was awkward he looked away and then just got up and trotted away. I was happy but why did he just leave? I didn’t understand so things went on more or less usual except every other thought was about him. I got a call this morning though, after you called, and it was him, something along the lines of ‘Sara, I’m sorry but I don’t think of you that way I was just being stupid. I want things like normal again, can we do that? Please?’ I of course said yes but I’m devastated I mean what else could I think? I’ve been a mess about it since.”
There’s where I made a mistake, I leaned in to kiss her, never kiss a girl with kissing problems, dangerous business, luckily she was just opening her eyes from a sustained blink and she took my shoulder instead, that was close. But what else could I do I mean I’m not him and he’s a dumbass for not wanting her. We studied Spanish all afternoon and we didn’t talk about that she just pretended everything was ok. In fact she seemed relieved to have talked.
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I saw him avoid her in the hallway, that’s not cool at all, she’s all heartbroken you know it and you ignore her? Not good at all. I figure if I had one chance to prove myself it would be the one class I had with him, and unfortunately Sara too. I got there early to get him aside, they couldn’t stand sitting next to each other could they? I pulled David aside as he entered, “David we need to talk.” We’re friends I guess not like buddy buddy we’re just from completely different backgrounds. “David I don’t want to say much but what are you doing to Sara?” David was surprised I knew but figured it was valid, “I’m not doing anything I’m just playing hard to get eventually she’ll see she needs me and I’ll be here.” He stood almost statuesquely and triumphant. I was enraged. “No, what you’re doing is tearing her apart!” I lowered my voice, “you know her as well as I if she has a problem she hides it then she works her hardest to bury it deep inside of her. She’ll never come to you again, and if you like her you’ll have to, “could I say this? “you’ll have to tell her. Not play games.”
I guess my comment got to him, being as Oprah as it was, he took my advice and as he walked away from me he dropped his books and hugged her, I saw her smile from behind, almost a thank you. So they had worked things out and a week later they were not only best buds but going out as well, maybe he finally had his wits about him and treated her as the perfect angel she is. I was gone from that point forward, we had our study sessions but all we ever talked about beside Spanish was ‘him’ and how great ‘he’ was. She knew it bugged me but just to see her happy made me burst with joy, but seeing her with him made me want to rip my heart out, I hated it. But from that point on I realized that I couldn’t look at her as anything but that, a tutor.